*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve

If your’e anxious and you know it….. …clasp your hands.

A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, “Do you have any luggage?”. “No,” says the photon, “I’m traveling light.”

If you hear the words “oh yeah, suck it” coming from my bedroom, it’s probably just me vacuuming.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.

What’s the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

What do you call going Doctor to Doctor… What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn’s.

How do I know when your sister’s on her period….. Your dad’s dick taste like blood