From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He’s high on my list of priorities

Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.

Why the gills in the sea don’t drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!

If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?

Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample … … I said ” Doc, I can speed this along – I’ll just leave you my underwear !”

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea