how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)

A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says “Shit, some asshole took my pen!”

What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!

If these walls could talk I’d fuckin’ move out immediately.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I’m a poofreader.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs… One says to the other “should we stop and outnumber them?” …   “keep running you fool we’re brothers!!”

Guy comes home with a flower bouquet… “Guess I’ll have to spread my legs now”, says the wife. “Why? Don’t you have a vase?” the husband replies.

Where do you find an enlightened mosquito? In Bhuddapest

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever