My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair….. Oh,, I think she’ll come crawling back soon..

I’m sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs… Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn’t tell me my password ideas are weak.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

Have you ever seen those “Give a penny, take a penny” things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.

I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!