Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, “Please put a load in the washer”

What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them

What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*

When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon…

HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous. HER: You’re sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

Pavlov’s doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: “Shit, I need to feed the dogs!”

I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis… But they were just arguing semitics.