I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in. Well played, Google.

[date gets back from the bathroom] those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids? “kids?”

Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

A woman’s JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.

This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I’ll raise my dog however I like.

What’s an STD’s favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.

Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day.

First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing… H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!