What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I’ll see myself out.

How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They’re both fucking close to water.

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar… Who talks more?

FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached.

You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night….I could see it in her eyes

My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard

Peter Pan escaped the adult world… …by becoming an alcoholic. He goes by Peter the Panhandler now.

ME: Haha you can tell them any name and they have to say it BARISTA: I have a latte for “A Person Who Deserves Love”? ME [crying]: Hahaha