This morning I had a swollen testicle. “I’d have simply preferred toast,” I told my wife.

Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? …because he’s too short to be called an essay.

Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.

Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.

TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart … even if it isn’t Messi.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

“Update the Force, young Skywalker” Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

When my wife takes a nap, it’s “desperately needed rest.” When I do, it’s “lazy chauvinist party-time.”

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.