Mom: “Do you want this?” Me: “No.” Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.” Me: “No I want it.”

What’s the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.

Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria.

Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.

What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection

How to get a cop’s attention

What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I’ll deal with him later.

“That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!” women

How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.