Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.” *Correct way to parent.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don’t ask her out again.

Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.

Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.

Why can’t Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive… …I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-

I’ve been going through a really rough period at work this week It’s my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.