My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

What do bees eat? Hum-burgers

I think my dog always follows me into the bathroom because I always follow her outside when she goes and she just thinks that’s how it works

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!

If superman were evil he’d be the man of steal

It’s a real Challenger When I was first introduced to the Kerbal Space Program, my spaceship kept blowing up. I looked at my friend and said “Wow, this game is a real Challenger!” I am a bad person.

911: Whats ur emergency? “OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-” 911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service- “-of my sons mouth.”

Isaac Newton couldn’t become a surgeon … because blood is non-Newtonian!

What does the “LL” in LL Cool J stand for? Lickin Lips

DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery ME: Wtf why not? DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive