If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

How many palindromes do I know of? Not a ton

Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.

What song did the gay guy sing on his way back from vacation in Thailand? Goodbye yellow dick road

Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.

One day a wife complained “This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.” The husband grunted and replied “The darn clock always was slow.”

Some people should be dipped in vagisil Maybe then they wouldn’t be such irritating cunts

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

Told a homeless guy sorry I was saving to buy a house. He got mad and threw his cup of change at me, so now I’m… $3.75 closer to my dream!

Did you know women are fantastic at exactly 70 things? 69ers, and making sandwiches.