*hand grenades* *blow torch* *AK 47* *sulfuric acid* *ninja training* My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

How do you contact dead window cleaners? Use a squeegee board.

I’ve never falsely accused someone of hacking, whether aimbotting, wall hacking, or speed hacking They were all just really good at hiding it!

Me: When does karaoke start? Him: Never. Me: But I put my “I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on. Him: We noticed. Me: This is the worst funeral ever.

Opened a can of Pillsbury rolls and was reminded of why I shouldn’t wear skinny jeans.

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt’n peckers.

*grammar police reads ransom note* “Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead” *grammar cop dies* “Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

How many times should you check whether a sentence is written in English or Spanish? Once.

Guess what I’m going to do if I get Alzheimer’s?

The insane really should be institutionalized. Trump for President