Why can’t R2D2 walk? Because he has MS-DOS

Losing your phone makes dying in a car accident less likely but more appealing.

I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I’m 53 and she is 22… …totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black? *doctor sighs for like 3 mins* “Sir, its an ultrasound” *Seinfeld bass riff for days*

What is a vampire’s favorite sport? Batminton.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Why might Saturn’s rings come loose? They’re too close to Titan.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body he’ll be born in February

Where do birds meet for coffee ? In a nest-cafe !