Why is E the only good letter? Because every other letter is not E!

My exes broke up with me because I’m a pot lover. I guess you can say they don’t have high standards.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A taliban and his wife are getting ready to go to sleep at night… …but before that, the taliban goes out to pee. He returns back all wet. “Is it raining outside?” “No, it’s windy…”

My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday. I don’t think she understood when I said: “I wanna watch.”

Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!

It’s a good thing I keep condoms in my backpack because midterms have been fucking me all week

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine But Catscan

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)