Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!!

Dear Egyptians, please chill the fuck out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

What did the Dalai Llama play on stage at Glastonbury? Yakmanninov

The mathematician worked from home, Because he only functioned in his domain.

How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

Me: “…american cheese, toasted.” Her: “What kind of cheese?” Me: “American…” Her: “Want it toasted?” Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Why are spectators so happy with their jobs? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Women should not have children after 35. Really … 35 children are enough.

Did you know Elvis used to have a boat called the “Jailhouse”? That fucking thing rocked.