Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting. Until you realize you live alone.

My stats teachet said I was just average What a mean thing to say

Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.

Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.

She said I have a face only a mother could love. I said “that’s not very nice, mom.”

Nothing says “I’m single” like a string cheese wrapper in the bathroom trash can.

Hey Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

I heard Christians only count 1 through 9. I wonder what happens if they say 10?

My mum says I don’t know anything about colourless gases. But ammonia little boy.