It’s scary living in Massachusetts… Every time I watch the news I hear about Mass shootings.

God: u can ask me 1 question me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop God: [later] devil: welcome to hell

Why did the skeleton’s dick float? because he had a hollow weenie.

I got tasered by a female cop the other night.. never have I laid eyes upon a more stunning beauty.

I never knew how smart Dolphins were… They are so smart that after only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish

What terrorist group have the most cold blooded killers. ICES ASSASINS… (isis pun)..

Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can’t take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.

Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they hate Dick’s

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped.

Just ate a bunch of confetti… Now I’m a party pooper.