Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring. *turns around* *grabs one of his crayons* *slowly breaks it* *whispers “you’re next”*

It’s cute how “America’s Got Talent” focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

The Bartender says, we don’t serve time-travelers here! A time traveler walks into a bar.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? Yeah, he got the cold shoulder.

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

All I want from life is to be able to respond “crystal” when someone angrily asks me if they’ve made themselves clear.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.