Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that…your numbers not in it.

I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said “open cap and push up bottom”. Now I can’t walk but my farts smell awesome.

I’m dying, call me an Ambulance. Dad: Okay Dying, you’re an ambulance.

eer booze and fun!’ ‘Twenty-four hours in a day… twenty-four beers in a case… coincidence?

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. – Why my mystery novel failed

What was the most pivotal point in Jesus’ ministry? When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

It’s impossible to think about uptown funk without getting it stuck in your head… Don’t believe me? Just watch!

“GIMME AN E! … GIMME ANOTHER E! … GIMME ANOTHER E! … GIMME ANOTHER E! … GIMME ANOTHER E! …” – Cheerleader who loves ecstasy

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.