I like my women how I like my wine… 12 years old and locked in my basement

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol” -giraffe in quicksand

My friends butler lost his left arm in an accident serves him right.

What is called when a woman gets a sex change? Addadictomy.

What do girls and snowflakes have in common? They can’t drive cars.

I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia!

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, “Give me your wallet or you’re science!” The man says, “Don’t you mean history?” The mugger yells, “Don’t try to change the subject!”

Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.