A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.

He’s as sharp as a bowling ball.

If you don’t have a condom, put a stone in your shoe.. …it’ll make you limp.

I once went five years without having sex then I turned six and my uncle raped me

Sometimes in the shower I pretend like I’m a bumblebee and just crash into the curtain a few times and die in the water.

Damn! I’m still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!

1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.

My girlfriend didn’t believe me when I said I could build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!

*catcher puts 1 finger down* *pitcher shakes head* *puts 2 fingers down* *nods* (catcher to umpire) “can we take a break? he has to poop”

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist