What do a homeless woman and an American football player have in common? They both take their pads off after four periods

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed space.

How do you kill a black widow? You take away her food stamps.

Two atoms are in a bar, Two atoms are in a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other asks, “Are you sure?” To which the first replies, “I’m positive.”

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless…*checks box* oh, Synonym Toast Crunch

What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!

What is the last step in manufacturing Tickle-Me-Elmo’s before packaging and shipping to stores? Give it two test-tickles.

Martin Luther King, Jr.’s speech praising non-violence in India surprised everyone when they pelted him with several thousand flatbreads.

What’s a thimble? By definithion, thomething that represenths or thtands for thomething elth. Thymbolithm, y’know.