Why are bass guitarists always standing at the front door? Because they don’t know when to come in.

Dating tip: Don’t do it, a disturbingly high percentage of people are actually flesh eating insects in human suits. Just stay home instead.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Do you know what really burns my ass? A flame about 3 feet high.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the parachute? When the leash goes slack.

Clothes are just, human shaped blankets.

So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.

How cats and dogs think Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God. Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.

What did the King say to the pawn shop owner you are my pawn go fight for me but in a line no moving around.