I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night …After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

I used olive oil for sex last night. Popeye was furious when he found out.

Why didn’t the coffee and the tea get along? Because they were being “brewed”

What did the balding thief say in the wig store? Toupee or not toupee

I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma it’s tough sometimes, but I’m doing asbestos I can.

On your mark, get set, go f*ck yourself.

I was going to say a gay joke… butt fuck it.

Would you blow him?

A rich guy walks by.. When someone asks,”What’s that smell?” The man turns around and says,”I’m sorry, it must be my Elon Musk.”