Have you heard the joke about the jump rope? You can skip it.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That’d wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Why are there no black people at the North Pole? Because there is nothing to steal there

What does a midwestern farmer and a rapper have in common? They both want to make it rain.

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight… She needs to lighten up.

What’s the difference between my girlfriend and a cow? Cows are real.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? Matt

My phone’s low battery warning is the only warning I take seriously.

Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you’ve lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.

Chuck Norris has sex with every woman once a month. It causes a week of bleeding