If I ever wake up on Christmas Day and there’s a Mercedes outside with a giant ribbon on it, I’m gonna assume it has an ignition bomb

Father’s day is coming up in the UK… …I better go find one

Guy walks into a gym He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women. The manager points to the ATM. Edit:formatting

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. They hold the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them. Edit: missed the y in they Thanks u/HapaHeather

There was an inflation joke on reddit once It blew up

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs* “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” *Asteroid crushes Earth* “Dammit Dad.”

Autocorrect just changed my kissy face emoji to “stop it you’re 37” then powered down my phone.

You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.

It took America two days to create “anti-WikiLeaks legislation”, yet, proper regulation of the financial sector, for example, is awol.

What’s the best way to organize your cakes, muffins, and hamburger buns? Alphabreadically!