What did the math major say to himself when he discovered that he was no longer a sapling? Gee, I’m a tree.

Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

*goes to the gym* *takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see* *hurries to the bar*

Every time I see my grandad he tells me the same joke. Grandad – How’s Harry? Me – Harry Who? Grandad – I’m fine thanks, how are you?

Why was the Energizer Bunny in court? Because it was charged with battery.

Donald Trump walks into an elevator… and a gorgeous woman is inside and says, “When the doors close, I could drop to my knees and blow you.” Trump replies, “And what’s in it for me?”

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Why don’t you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter? Because it’s a catastrophe 🙂 Yeah, ok, I’ll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.

I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that’s a lot of weed.

What did one octopus say to the other octopus? Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?