I like to ask the waiter, “What do you recommend?” then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different.

What do you guys think of this quote I came up with? “Good artists copy, great artists steal.”

What did the Frenchman yell on the roller coaster? Yes!

What do you call a confusing sharp pain in the ass immediately after a break up? An ex or cist?

I don’t know many football players except… The one with the Messi hair

What did the frog say when he walked into the bar? *Bonjour.*

i hav cat-like reflexes “prove it” *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat

a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day

Everyone thinks its cute when a kid wants to be a pirate But when a Somalian kid says he wants to be a pirate it’s a different story

I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.