“Bro she’s a cold digger” [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Did you hear about the new Chinese rap duo? 2 Changz

What does a terrorist and a soccer player have in common? Mossack Fonseca.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife] Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Why did the dragon go to jail for farting? Arse-on. **Cough Cough** I’ll see my way out.

Dad joke- Car sick. I was riding in the car with my cousin and uncle. My cousin says “I think i’m getting car sick”. Her dad says, “Well if you get out of the car then you’ll just be sick”.

What is the best way to find out if someone is ticklish? Use your test tickles

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad