Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying

Bill Clinton right now, texting Monica Lewinsky “You up?”

I sold my old bike the other day. I decided it was time to peddle it.

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell? Easy. More traffic is going to hell.

What did the radioactive sample say to the other radioactive sample? IDK.

Why did Fred put band aids in the refrigerator? He wanted cold cuts.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work. Siri: Lol

So, I accidentally sent a picture of my d&#k to everyone in my address book today Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Was going to go see The Pope the other day but too tired to go… …you could say that I was too pooped to Pope.

Open books don’t get judged by their covers.