I’m DJ Con$tapation I don’t give a shit.

I have batlike reflexes. -You mean catlike reflexes? *screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*

You: Knock knock, Me: Who’s there?

Did you hear about the murdered essay? They can’t find the body.

North Korea new leader After Kim Jong Un dies, North Korea will be ruled by his son, Kim Jong Deux.

I like short jokes.

What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph, because they’re too short to be an es’e

An escalator can never break it can only become stairs.

“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.” Said a bunch of now single guys.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.