Am sorry boss, I know I said I’d do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.

Why do they call the 3 musketeers.. musketeers? Not one of them uses a musket =( justsayian

Who’s the most meta player on a Football team? The PUNter.

I learned how to talk to animals today.. Now they just have to learn to listen

Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.

The school called me on the phone today and said, “Your son has been telling lies.” I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good! I don’t have no kids!

The thing I don’t like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops I’m also not crazy about our dog’s name.

The wife My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets… She’ll be back when she’s hungry.

Due to my lack of sexual experience… I prematurely ejaculate every time I watch a baseball game.

I’ve got a drug test tomorrow at work Good thing I know loads about drugs =)