[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Why dont Canadian colleges have spring break First , you need spring.

Several ducks were found dead in a playground. Police are suspecting fowl play.

Why did Yoda need a stepladder in the chocolate shop? Because he was reaching for a galaxy far, far away.

what do you call a Black man with a small dick? By his name you racist fuck!

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

What do the Egyptians call a man who cannot keep his opinions to himself? IMHOtep

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Give a fish a man, that’s a bit odd. Teach a fish to catch men and… what have you done you fool! Run! We must escape its scaley clutches!