Why do mimes always lose arguments? They don’t have a say in anything!

AMA request: Floyd Mayweather I wonder if he’ll see this

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap. But then I came clean.

So, we’re arguing and I’ve suddenly realized I don’t agree with a word I’m saying. Which really ups the degree of difficulty for winning.

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]

So, I was talking to my friend who runs a scrap yard. I asked how business was… … He replied: “pretty good, I’ve seen a bit of a pickup recently.”

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar… The bartender says, “Alright, I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don’t confuse them with your mom.

Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.