I opened my water and electricity bills at the same time. I was shocked.

Chuck Norris Once roundhouse kicked a horse in the jaw, thus creating the giraffe.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race. But Fast and Furious killed Paul Walker.

What do you call a weatherman’s evil twin? A doppler-ganger

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job. I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

What do you call a gorilla that’s a member of a terrorist organization? Boko Harambe

There’s a lot of nasty jobs out there Butt plumbers have seen some shit.

Why couldn’t the depressed person get his email? He had a bad Outlook.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One deer turns to the other and says “Man, I cant believe i blew 30 bucks in there”

What is 12 inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden infant death syndrome.