A man walked into his house and was delighted… …when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.

Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.

My girlfriend turned to me and said “Dave, I think we’ve come to the end of the road.” “Why?” I said, shocked. “We’re in a lake.”

Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

Beware of Advice from Successful People They don’t want company.

What do you call a miniature pension? Warhammer 401k

ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb To get to the other side

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!