‘I have trains ran on me all the time.’ – Railroads. Or my ex-girlfriend.

What do sex and air have in common? They’re no big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend

My trip to the psychiatrist. Me: I have a crippling fear of backstories. Psychiatrist: So when did this begin? Me: AHHHHH!!!!!!

How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to shoot him if he does it wrong.

I decided to live at the gym, it was free! Because of squatter’s rights.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick’s Day? St. Patrick’s day everybody wants to be Irish.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? Ans: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does the Little Mermaid where sea shells? Because she can’t fit in B shells!