Me: “Can I see the baby?” Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.” Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

How did Helen Keller break her arm? You try reading a stop sign at 60 miles an hour.

A blind man walks into a bar… And hits his head.

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true….Comet cleans sinks!

I asked for your advice but now I’m angry with you because I don’t like your advice.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary and those that don’t.

What did Trump get for Christmas? Stage IV rectal carcinoma with a recto-vesicular fistula so he farts out his penis…hopefully.

*job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I’ll call it Giselle.

there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair

My style speaks for itself. For example, today it says, “You probably shouldn’t go out in public dressed like this.”