Don’t do drugs, kids. The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down… No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.

*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him? A sick Bern.

Friends are like trees… They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

How do you discipline your pet rock? You hit rock bottom!

Would you like to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, its too cheesy!

What did the pints say upon landing on Planet Metric? “Take us to your liter.”

Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.