ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I’d wait until next week.

I was attacked at a birthday party by a Mexican man with a baseball bat. Thankfully he was blindfolded and extremely dizzy.

What kind of sex toys do terrorists prefer? Blow up dolls.

My friend was knocked down and killed by a speeding truck full of designer Versace dresses The police said he was a fashion victim

Dicks are like LAYS potato chips… No one ever sucks JUST ONE!!

My TCP server is getting fat Too many processed syn-acks

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, WOW! that one REALLY looked female.

A joke about ‘The Interview’ Nobody fucking cares.

What’s worst than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby in three trash cans.

I gave a melon a vasectomy. Now it can’t elope