For my next trick I’ll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

Easy way to tell GOP actually know their policies are hot giraffe shit is how ashamed they are of George W. Bush.

Why was the chess player pregnant? Because they were mated.

Why don’t they let blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out the dogs.

When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think “Hey wtf? We’re not supposed to have to do this shit anymore”

Beginning to worry that, on my deathbed, I’m going to be just lying there, refreshing twitter.

What’s the difference between my computer and Paul Walker? I don’t give a shit about Paul Walker crashing.

3 Men Walk Into a Bar One of them should’ve noticed. (credit to my brother)

Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!

What happened after the eyeliner and mascara got in a fight? They had make-up sex.