Trump running for president It’s Hillaryous.

What’s everyone’s problem with euthanasia? I like little asian kids

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

My wife thinks I’m cheating on her. Because none of our kids look like her.

trolls have found a terrible new way to antagonize me. it is called “retweeting” and it works by exposing my posts to scammers & crumb bums.

I had Taco Bell for lunch AND dinner. So yes. I’ve given up on life.

What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie? Deceased and desist

Harry Potter: “Hermoine, I’m gay” Hermione: “Are you kidding?” Harry: “No, I’m fucking Sirius”

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women? Because everyone knows they give good *head*.