Tony the Tiger knows that Chuck Norris is G-R-E-A-T!

If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”

Two tomatoes were sitting in a fridge… One tomato says to the other: ‘Ain’t it cold?’ And the other replies: ‘HOOOOOLY SHIT, A SPEAKING TOMATO!!!’

Why was Karl Marx arrested for brewing a cup of Earl Grey? Because all proper tea is theft.

i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal

My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel. I think it’s carpool tunnel syndrome.

Whats the best part about sex with a pregnant woman? You get a blowjob from the fetus.

You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.

After years of searching for my girlfriend’s G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!