I believe in a woman’s right to choose, except when it comes to picking what movie we should watch tonight.

With all the awful things happening in Nepal… you just have to wonder…what would Kathmandu?

Best pick up line. Hey is your name Sandy Hook? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of kids inside you.

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave. It’s full of convex.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? It chickened out

On Mondays, Zombies feel alive inside.

A Spanish-speaking sailor met Poseidon and asked the God of the Water if he was wet all the time? Poseidon: “Sea, Senor!”

i had sex with your mother you see? it’s funny because it’s true

[2 paintings talking] “hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?” please dont say it “JUST HANGING!” i wanna move to a different gallery