If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Yo mama so fat when she moves, the space-time ripples are detectable with naked eye.

No tables? Maybe THIS will change your mind [slides maitre d’ piece of paper that says “It’s my birthday”]

After telling joke that made me seem gay to my friend… I started laughing and said, “Sorry, I’m not thinking straight.” Badam tsss

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own? It was two tired.

I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I’m here to like’ them.

Did you hear about the Mathematician who was constipated, and lost his calculator? He worked it out with a pencil

When I was visiting the islands in Alaska, I thought I saw an eye doctor wandering around… It was just an optical Aleutian.

I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”