These new drone regulations… I had to register my two sticks of butter with the FAA. It was so much trouble just to see my butter fly.

still waiting for a Discovery Channel “How It’s Made” episode on babies. otherwise i fear i’ll never figure it out

The other day my friend was telling me I didn’t know what irony meant… Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop.

What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang!? An Amish drive-by shooting.

Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Most of the lies I tell aren’t even true.

I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.

I have a friend with only one leg. He’s been having some issues with stares.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie