My four year old cousin told me: Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Words cannot describe how cute you are… but numbers can tho, you’re a 3/10

My neighbours listen to good music Whether they want to or not

Q . what did the sign on the whore house say?A: Beat it we are closed

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?” 19yo niece: … Me: … 19yo niece: … Me: “I’m sorry.”

How can you tell a mechanic just had sex? Two of his fingers are clean.

It’s all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes