“I’m never gonna do THAT again!” ~ Me, about things I’ll continually do… Again

What’s an undertaker’s favorite element? Barium!

New Immigration Policy Obama tells 5 million illegal immigrants: “Come out of the shadows and register, or shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium.”

How many black people does it take to start a riot. -1 I stole this.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

If I had a penny everytime I was one cent short for a beer I’d have become an alcoholic.

What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant and a rhino? Hell-if-I-know!

What do you call an extroverted snail? A slug