Jesus killed the dinosaurs because he was tired of their bullshit.

Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.

What’s the most sensitive part of your body while masturbating Your ears.

[OC] Kid: I just shat gold Parents: Wow, finally something good came out of you

Why does Piglett smell nasty? He plays with Pooh.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread? Waiter: So a sandwich? Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are going to think we are nuts.

Going out later today to apply for a third job so I can afford to pay for the gas to drive to my other two jobs.